The letters of our thoughts are the ideas present in our mind before they come to realization . . . Thoughts that are, yet not felt . . . The words of the subconscious . . . of the soul . . .


Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Where I'm at . . .

My Best Friend's Wedding

Last night one of my dearest friends was married . . .

I drove down to S. Diego . . . missing the Chupah, but making it in time for his grand entrance after the cheder yichud.

The setting was intimate, held in the hall of the local Chabad House.

I've been by many a friend's wedding in the past few years . . . but never one like this.

It was everything that I wanted, and everything that I feared.

I could not have, at that moment, been happier. Yet a selfish voice inside of me chimed in, singing a melancholy tune. The friend that had traveled the world with me, had put up with my shtick, and called to make sure I was up in the morning . . . would no longer be able to do so for with me.

My friend was leaving -to a certain degree . . . He was stepping down the path of life, while I seemingly stood rooted so firmly in my spot.

He had looked past his personal inhibitions . . . I had remained imprisoned by mine.

Being a child of Los Angeles, how others see us, what they think, remains an issue of paramount importance.
The facade is all that there is.
Am I seen as who I am, or how I look? As how I feel I am, or how others think I am?

Me, me . . . I, I.

Is that all there is?

Is this is what I have come to . . . obsession with the singularity of my existence?

The dirge of the city of angels.

But in truth the problem is not in how others see me, but rather how I see myself.

If I were to see myself for who I truly am, not as who I wish to be -If I could live up to what I am supposed to be, and not as what I wish, then all would be as it ought.

Is this how things are, how they are meant to be? Plans made, then dashed cruelly asunder by the tumultuous seas - the many waters - upon the jagged teeth of upturned stone that line the shore of life?

'I want you', I say.

I know how things are meant to be . . .

But You tell me that You know far better. After all, as Creator, You have the right.

I have my plans, and You have Yours . . . But while mine may unfold as I wish, they may also not; Yours, however, always will be, and for more I can not wish.

Frozen in place, stuck in my path, but with my eyes turned to the king . . .

He smiles to me . . .

My eyes focus on the the choson.

His lithe figure, cloaked in the silken gleam of a new Kopote and girded with a dangling gartel, bobbed on the shoulders of a friend. His arms flying over his head like a rider on a wild bronco, he scanned the crowd - the last rays of the setting sun refracted from the window and glinted in his eyes, his face aglow with fires within and the fires with out.

This is everything I have wanted, and nothing more.
The singularity of my existence is not some separate entity from that of my friend, we are one. I need not fear a dissonance in our relationship, a duality of desires . . . for when he is happy, then I can not be happier.

The music swells. The crowd roars.

I dance, as I have never danced before.

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Perel said...

Mazal tov for your friend,i"y"H by you ( i bed you heard this one already ) and thanks for sharing these deep feeling, i am sure many -myself included- can relate, well written.

Mottel said...

I often wonder how keen it is to write about myself . . . Are other's interested? If they are is it a good thing? But I have come to the conclusion that many of the issues that I feel, are common amongst the majority of us, and thus I hope to be merely a conduit in expressing the thoughts of the many.

Anonymous said...

Right on! The chassuna was awesome! May we all manage to overcome and find our better half.

- From one loch to a big time kurva.

MN said...

(Hi Perel!)

Mottel, both our latest posts have something in common I see.

It's nice to hear a male talk this way about a friend getting married.

In regard to writing about yourself: people always ask me if I am still sane - revealing my own thoughts and being brutally honest. To that I say, "This is why I write, and you don't." It's just so essential. And in your hope to be a conduit, therein lies the strength.

Mottel said...

Anon: Twas a pleasure spending time with you . . . We'll do it again some time soon.

MN: Happenstance (though in truth there is no such thing)? Pre-Pesach rush?

. . .

You're right about the essential need to express oneself . . . and at least now I know that if I've truly lost my mind, I'm not the only one on the loony boat ;p

MN said...

No, seriously, you basically have the same line as me.

Pre-pesach rush?

Who you calling a loony?! I just read a quote somewhere...something about writers living in this perpetual state of fear of being known...but being addicted to getting it all out there. I have to find it...

Meanwhile, time for some Zzzz...

Mottel said...

What do they say, "Great minds . . ."

Pre-Pesach rush was the reference to two weddings coming out on the same day.

Loony? No one, ch'v . . . Though I'm sure you've heard the story with the Queen of England in asylum (The 'lunatics' are in fact sane -unfortunately for them, there are more of us).

Interested in hearing the quote.

cheerio said...

i haven't experienced as yet a close friend getting married. but when i do, i'm sure i'll come back to this.
but the self existential quest is one with which i am quite familiar - and which i write about often, nearly exclusively, -
and i feel you're justified in saying that you are a conduit of the thoughts of many.
and this line:
"If I were to see myself for who I truly am, not as who I wish to be -If I could live up to what I am supposed to be, and not as what I wish, then all would be as it ought."
brilliant. i feel like i've turned suddenly and stumbled into an entirely new perspective.

Mottel said...

I'm glad you find inspiration in my words . . . It makes the energy that I invest in a post worth it (though I'm sure as a blogger you already knew that)

me said...

Mottel, you've done a great job with the post. I don't have the right adjectives to describe it, but it's so real, so able to relate to...
IY"H you should have many people sharing in YOUR simcha soon!

Mottel said...

Thank you for your kind words.

Ben-Yehudah said...

B"H Very nice post. E-mail me his name. If he's a San Diegan like me, I probably know him. Well, that depends...if it was in the College Area, yes. There are several Chabbad Houses in SD.

Mottel said...

He isn't from Diego, he's from Monsey -the girl is from there though. The live near the college area, but the wedding was in Poway.

Ben-Yehudah said...


Got it. Just curious.

Anonymous said...


Your writing is so sensitive and thoughtful. It is very inspiring to read the thoughts from your heart. I am not so sure of Pre-Pesach rush, or synchronicity...none the less, your insights and poetic threads put to page by young minds is uplifting and shows an illuminated path towards our future and the next generation. Yasher Koach.

chanie said...

Oh, how I can empathize with this post. Every time....the first time was my roommate in sem, and tho we're still in contact, you can't compare. Oh, well. It'll be happening more and more, IY"H, so I'd better get used to it (though by now it's far from the first time, and I still haven't done so). At least I still have my best friend, B"H, though if my suspicion is right, she'll follow soon.

chanie said...

On the other hand, when it's a good friend, you can't help feeling happy for them. Paradox.

jewess said...

I generally never comment on blogs but…that was beautifully written

Mottel said...

I'm glad you like it. Thank you very much.