A Return to Elul

My first experiences in Yeshivah were during the month of Elul.


The excitement of the coming days of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur was tangible . . .


The desire to have a sweet new year.


In my early naivete I associated teshuvah and cheshbon hanefesh (return and spiritual account taking) with tears.


I said Al Cheit every night by Krias Shma al Hamita . . . after a few nights it was pushed off to every Thursday night . . . then at sometime later it fell off all together.


I wanted to cry.


To cry tears, thick tears soaked with bitterness over what I had done wrong.


It took me 11 months, but right before my second Elul I did cry one evening by Krias Shma al Hamita.


I cried . . . I cried, and I loved  it.


Then it struck me, how can these be tears of bitterness, if I'm enjoying them so much . . .





When the king is in the field, we should be joyous . . .