The letters of our thoughts are the ideas present in our mind before they come to realization . . . Thoughts that are, yet not felt . . . The words of the subconscious . . . of the soul . . .


Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Who Knows What Evil Lurks in the Hearts of Men?

The Shotgun knows.

Everything seems to be going wrong . . . My Zune is in a coma (refuah shleima!), and other such problems. Normally from a blogging perspective, that aint all that bad -at least it provides fodder for posts. Alas, for now at least, the well seems to be dry -if not the well, then perhaps the will. I have ideas, but by the time I get around to writing them, I no longer have the energy or desire to so so.

And the beat goes on . . .

One thing that does bother me, and I write this with the knowing danger in which I place myself, is the inanity of Shidduch Resumes.

Yes I'm going there, despite my better judgment . . . but I've long since gotten over the Google searches that bring the prying eye to this blog - the google queries such as

"Who is Mordechai Lightstone?"

-Who is he indeed?

and let us not forget the classic (and amazingly arrogant)

"Is Lightstone a Jewish name?"

-To which I respond, no -it's actually the name of Catholic Nazi Arabs from Mexico -just like Goldmountain and Pikefish . . . But of course I jest, for Lightstone is merely a translation of Adelstein, just as Goldmountain being Goldberg and Pikefish being Hecht -all three names being mostly the result of the Austro-Hungarian decision to mandate surnames two centuries back . . .

But I digress.

All of that is fine with me -what bothers me is the asinine concept of resumes.

As an example for those who have not yet been graced with these pearls of human briliance, I present a sample resume -names and facts have been changed to protect the innocent, and to certain details have been altered . . . or made up.

Name: Shprintza Cherna Masha Podalski (for the record, all four of those names are of distinctly non-Jewish origin)

Age: 21
Employment Record: Head counselor Camp Gan Izzy of Yehupitz (three summers), Shlichus in Kazakhstan (present )
Height: 4' 2" Eyes: Hazel Brown, kinda yellow with an aquamarine hint
Beis Rivkah, and three amazing years in Tzfat!!!
Languages: English, Evrit, some Yiddish, Quechua
Brownish Weight: Undefined
Blood-type: B- Social Security #: 101-61-3770

Known as Shprintza Cherna Masha Podalski, her nicknames are Shprintzy, Cherny, and Mashy by her friends and Shprintzy Cherny Mashy by family.

Her father was born on Dec 3, 1950, grew up on a secret military facility with his parents, who were of great rabbinic origin, and after living for three years in India, went on to get smicha in a Lubavitcher Yeshivah. He is a normal person, with no history of anything negative. His wife is the same.

No disciplinary or administrative actions (i.e. probation, suspension, expulsion)
been taken against Shprintza Cherna Masha Podalski by Shprintza Cherna Masha Podalski's school nor are any pending.

Shprintza Cherna Masha Podalski has never been charged with or convicted of any criminal offense, DWI or misdemeanor offense.

Shprintza Cherna Masha has never used, possessed, supplied or manufactured any illegal drugs.

Shprintza Cherna Masha has no record of any mental health issues nor does she wish her husband to have such records.
She wakes up every morning at exactly 6:44 a.m. EST, and is willing to have a husband who sleeps in a little bit, but not too much -perhaps 6:46 a.m. EST.

She only listens to the most chassideshe niggunim, such as a Nichoach, anything with drums and Oys, and some Avraham Fried -though not Chazak because her mashpia once told her that she heard from a certain Rebbetzin that it might have been taken from a Goyishe, Turkishe song -r"l

She eats two slices of toast for breakfast with a hard boiled egg, some marmalaide jam, and half a cup of orange juice or milk.


Has a thick frame with good upper-body muscle tone, long arms, wide hips, thick thighs and calves...Also has room on her frame to add at least another 20 pounds of bulk without having the added weight impact her overall quickness...Shows good quickness and body control for a player of her size...Take-charge type and field leader who plays with good field awareness and is an aggressive blocker who has the knowledge to call blocking adjustments up front...Sound technically and can be a drive blocker who shows good explosion in her initial step off the snap...Keeps her balance working into the second level and has a wide leg base in her pass set...Good second-effort blocker who stays with her man throughout the whistle, but also shows the vision to locate secondary targets...Plays with a mean streak, looking to constantly finish her man off...Never takes a play off and drives through the defender with good intent and force...Easily digests a complicated playbook and makes good field adjustments to twists and games...Rarely makes a mental error and is very alert on the field...Vocal team captain who will not hesitate to take a teammate to task...Has a true passion for the game, playing with a warrior-like mentality...Hard worker who will do anything the coaches ask and is a model for good work ethic, especially in the weight room...Uses her long reach and size to neutralize edge rushers (see 2007 Michigan State, Illinois and Florida games), doing a solid job of reaching and sealing the "seven" technique...Has the ability to get under the defender's pads and dominate with her hand jolt, but does lack ideal explosion...Her hand punch will consistently shock and jolt the defender...Adequate in attempts to stay on his feet moving down the line and is effective at handling the switch-off...Will jolt the defenders on contact with his hands, locking on to steer out and work her man off the line...Drive blocks with excellent leverage and is consistent at moving the pile (see 2007 Northwestern, Eastern Michigan, Purdue and Florida games)...When dhe stays square in her base, she shows the footwork to get in front on traps and pulls...Very good with his reach-and-scoop skills, when she sinks her weight and stays low in her pads (better at gaining advantage and sealing off when getting movement on double teams)...Can locate and land in short space but isn't as effective on the long pull...Lacks timed speed, but is efficient at locating linebackers when asked to work into the second level...Very quick to set and recoil with his hands, showing good knee bend setting up in pass protection...Has no problems handling movement and is quick to react to stunts and blitzes...Does a good job of staying on his feet working in-line, where he can wall off and position with ease...Gets good movement in his drive blocks and, while he is a little tight in his hips, he works hard to take good angles and recover in his pass set...Can run his feet, stay up and sustain his blocks, showing aggression throughout his play...Works to finish and is patient on the pull, breaking down and staying under control at the second level...Can sink his hips and redirect, coming off the double team with good balance and anchor...Uses his hands like weapons in attempts to pick up stunts and can also catch the defender with his big mitts...Sees threats quickly and stays square in his base to absorb the edge rusher.

Negatives: A little tight in her hips, lacking ideal lateral agility in his kick-slide and can struggle when having to immediately change direction (will take false steps)...Has a strong hand punch, but tends to get them outside his frame, causing him to whiff a lot on a quick pass set (inconsistent placement)...Best operating in a short area, as he does show some balance issues when asked to run long distances...Needs to show better explosion off the snap when engaging defenders, but does compensate with a strong hand punch...When he gets too high in his stance, his base narrows and he will revert to over-extending in attempts to position and sustain...Must unlock his hips and explode more often into the defender, as he prefers to use his size to engulf or hands to sustain rather than blow up the defender (better earlier in games)...More effective working on an island with an edge rusher.

END-USER LICENSE AGREEMENT FOR Shprintza Cherna Masha IMPORTANT PLEASE READ THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS OF THIS LICENSE AGREEMENT CAREFULLY BEFORE CONTINUING WITH THIS SHIDDUCH PROGRAM INSTALL: Shprintza Cherna Masha End-User License Agreement ("EULA") is a legal agreement between you (either an individual or a single entity) and Shprintza Cherna Masha. for the Podalski software product(s) identified above which may include associated software components, media, printed materials, and "online" or electronic documentation ("SOFTWARE PRODUCT"). By installing, copying, or otherwise using the SOFTWARE PRODUCT, you agree to be bound by the terms of this EULA. This license agreement represents the entire agreement concerning the program between you and Shprintza Cherna Masha, (referred to as "licenser"), and it supersedes any prior proposal, representation, or understanding between the parties. If you do not agree to the terms of this EULA, do not install or use the SOFTWARE PRODUCT.

The SOFTWARE PRODUCT is protected by copyright laws and international copyright treaties, as well as other intellectual property laws and treaties. The SOFTWARE PRODUCT is licensed, not sold.

The SOFTWARE PRODUCT is licensed as follows:
(a) Installation and Use.
{INSERT COMPANY NAME} grants you the right to install and use copies of the SOFTWARE PRODUCT on your computer running a validly licensed copy of the operating system for which the SOFTWARE PRODUCT was designed [e.g., Windows 95�, Windows NT�, Windows 98�, Windows 2000 �, Windows 2003, Windows XP, Windows ME, Windows Vista].
(b) Backup Copies.
You may also make copies of the SOFTWARE PRODUCT as may be necessary for backup and archival purposes.

(a) Maintenance of Copyright Notices.
You must not remove or alter any copyright notices on any and all copies of the SOFTWARE PRODUCT.
(b) Distribution.
You may not distribute registered copies of the SOFTWARE PRODUCT to third parties. Evaluation versions available for download from {INSERT COMPANY NAME}�s websites may be freely distributed.
(c) Prohibition on Reverse Engineering, Decompilation, and Disassembly.
You may not reverse engineer, decompile, or disassemble the SOFTWARE PRODUCT, except and only to the extent that such activity is expressly permitted by applicable law notwithstanding this limitation.
(d) Rental.
You may not rent, lease, or lend the SOFTWARE PRODUCT.
(e) Support Services.
{INSERT COMPANY NAME} may provide you with support services related to the SOFTWARE PRODUCT ("Support Services"). Any supplemental software code provided to you as part of the Support Services shall be considered part of the SOFTWARE PRODUCT and subject to the terms and conditions of this EULA.
(f) Compliance with Applicable Laws.
You must comply with all applicable laws regarding use of the SOFTWARE PRODUCT.


If she doesn't like your nose, she can end the shidduch at once, as per her mashpia's directive

All title, including but not limited to copyrights, in and to the SOFTWARE PRODUCT and any copies thereof are owned by {INSERT COMPANY NAME} or its suppliers. All title and intellectual property rights in and to the content which may be accessed through use of the SOFTWARE PRODUCT is the property of the respective content owner and may be protected by applicable copyright or other intellectual property laws and treaties. This EULA grants you no rights to use such content. All rights not expressly granted are reserved by {INSERT COMPANY NAME}.

5. NO WARRANTIES (and we mean it)
{INSERT COMPANY NAME} expressly disclaims any warranty for the SOFTWARE PRODUCT. The SOFTWARE PRODUCT is provided �As Is� without any express or implied warranty of any kind, including but not limited to any warranties of merchantability, noninfringement, or fitness of a particular purpose. {INSERT COMPANY NAME} does not warrant or assume responsibility for the accuracy or completeness of any information, text, graphics, links or other items contained within the SOFTWARE PRODUCT. {INSERT COMPANY NAME} makes no warranties respecting any harm that may be caused by the transmission of a computer virus, worm, time bomb, logic bomb, or other such computer program. {INSERT COMPANY NAME} further expressly disclaims any warranty or representation to Authorized Users or to any third party.

In no event shall {INSERT COMPANY NAME} be liable for any damages (including, without limitation, lost profits, business interruption, or lost information) rising out of �Authorized Users' use of or inability to use the SOFTWARE PRODUCT, even if {INSERT COMPANY NAME} has been advised of the possibility of such damages. In no event will {INSERT COMPANY NAME} be liable for loss of data or for indirect, special, incidental, consequential (including lost profit), or other damages based in contract, tort or otherwise. {INSERT COMPANY NAME} shall have no liability with respect to the content of the SOFTWARE PRODUCT or any part thereof, including but not limited to errors or omissions contained therein, libel, infringements of rights of publicity, privacy, trademark rights, business interruption, personal injury, loss of privacy, moral rights or the disclosure of confidential information.

For while there may be a precedent for the name Lightstone, there is none for these inane resumes. In the past these things never happened. Are contacts important? But please don't write some sort of record with more background information then an application to the CIA . . .

Technorati Tags: , , , , , , ,


chaviva said...

Need a recommendation? I can write you a sparkling one :)

The world of shidduchs fascinates me, but also sort of scares me. Frumsatire always writes about these resumes and oy gevalt are they intense.

Sefirah said...

wait.... so is lightstone a jewsih last name?

Nemo said...

What the hell is so intense about writing a few facts about yourself and your feelings and opinions. Seriously folks, you are all bloggers ... you do this kind of stuff anyways.

Der Shygetz said...



Please have Shprintzy contact us at

With over 90 trillion phantom personalities, every one receiving Federal, State and several municipal entitlement programs, we must have a proper shidduch for Shprintzy.

We only ask that she kindly fill out a few dozen welfare, food stamp and section 8 applications using her name at our mailing address.

Va'ad HaShidduchim d'Creedmoor

Der Shygetz said...


Also, please note that Shprintzy's resume lists her father's civil birthdate.

As we only use such data for purposes of obtaining government entitlement programs, kindly be sure that she corrects her otherwise noble profile so that her father's koidesh birth date is given. We do not believe in using the tryfe tzioinish Internet for looking this up and the 150 year Hebrew Calendar does not have the proper hechsher and haskomos so we cannot check this information for Shprintzy.

Elishevers said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Irina Tsukerman said...

That was absolutely hilarious!!!

Mottel said...

I' haven't responded to comments in some time now . . .
-Chavs: Thanks, but I'll be ok :-)
-Sef: Always was, always will be.
-Nemo: It's an anal, voyeuristic process that isn't based on Torah sources.
-Der Shygetz: Keep it up!
-Eli and Irina: If you guys laughed, I know I've done my job!

redsneakz said...

After the last few days, I'm glad I found this post again.

Sprintzy doesn't sound like an eyshes chayil; she sounds like an eyshes shartke (to mix languages).

Besides,any NJG who doesn't have mother issues hasn't been living at home in a long time ;-)